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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

To be? Or not to be?

So my day yesterday started off pretty good. I went and saw the dietian and regretably handed my 2 week log of my eating habits. I felt so guilty as if I let her down and myself but at the same time I was somewhat proud of being open and honest. Even though I've wanted this surgery so badly, I don't think I could lie about my progress just to get it. These professionals know what they're talking about and they seem to understand the situations we face are difficult when it comes to food. Katie went over the log and said I didn't do so bad. She was happy I signed up for the gym which made me happy too. I went in her office this morning thinking I was just going to hear it from her but actually I was surprised.  I felt that I had really gone astray with my eating habits but she was very encouraging. She told me to keep up the good work.

Good work? What good work? I couldn't quite understand what she meant until we went through the log together. She pointed out the fact that most of my downfalls were in social gatherings. This was the reason to log the things I ate. Also, I was able to point out that when I was home alone and bored I was snacking a lot throughout the day.

Katie then asked if I could think of ideas around getting through social gatherings. I told her eating before wouldn't help as most of the time I do because i'm worried I wouldn't be satisfied enough with the portion of food they serve. So that wasn't going to work. Then I came up with a brilliant idea. I spoke with my girlfriends last weekend about my surgery. Some are supportive, others confused but for the most part they seem to be on board with the whole idea. Anyhow, my idea was that if we were going out they would do the ordering for me. I wouldn't even look at the menu to be tempted. They will make healthy decisions for me. Katie agreed it was a good idea. I left the meeting feeling pretty good about myself.

Prior to returning to work I headed to the hospital cafeteria. Mmmmm the smells, the choices I started to think of what I was going to have. I saw muffins, bagels, eggs, and then I saw a fruit cup. I was feeling so good about everything I purchased the fruit cup and ate it. I rushed to work and ended up getting into a confrontation which had my blood pressure up and I became completely stressed out.

So what did I do next? I headed to the McDonalds drive thru and scarfed down a big mac and fries. Oh yes that felt better. Or did it? I started to feel guilty again. Here we go! Everytime I try to be good something happens and I reach for food for comfort.

After work I headed to the gym. That morning I put my gym bag in my car so I had no excuse to go home. I worked out on the treadmill for 30mins doing inclines of 4.5 and speeds of 3.6mph and then slowing down. I was sweating and feeling good. By the time I got home I was starving. I ended up making a giant bowl of my favourite bean salad, had some crackers and a bit of popcorn. I hit the shower and watched tv. I felt so good and relaxed. I didn't even stress about the confrontation at work. I think if I didn't hit the gym I would have been so stressed out about things I would have eaten more and not slept at all. 

This morning I got on the scale and woo hoo I was down 5 pounds! That felt so good!!! It made me make smart choices all day long =)

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